"Sometimes I think you wished you married Peter Priesthood."

My husband is an atheist. We met in 2002, when I was still pretty TBM. It started out as one of those situations where we were both out to convert the other one. To make a long story short, he won, mostly. And we've been married for almost a year.

My husband is wonderful. Right now I'm working and he's not. So he has dinner ready for me practically every night when I get home from work. He's a great cook. He makes candles. A couple weeks ago he decided to learn how to sew and already made two quilts. He really is a Susie Homemaker, except, well... he's a guy. He also has great taste. And most days I feel incredibly lucky to have him. He's a great catch.

Sometimes I have .... I'll call it a relapse. I'm slightly bi-polar. I don't think it is bad enough for me to go to therapy or get on medication. (Plus, I HATE meds.) Even when I'm having a down, I can still function. But I do tend to lash out at those closest to me, which is my beloved husband.

After I did my venting/unloading/"My life sucks" spiel to my husband during my last relapse, he turned to me, and said. "Sometimes I think you wished you married Peter Priesthood."

The sad thing is, his statement is partly true. Part of me does wish I fell in love with some Mormon boy and he was Peter and I was Molly and I'd be a housewife and we'd live happily ever after with our house and dog and yard and 2.1 beautiful children, sitting in the second pew at church in nice dress clothes, never late to Church. I think wow, life would be so much easier. He'd have a nice well paying job and be the breadwinner. I wouldn't have to work. My student loans would be paid for by him. I'd be rescued!

And I'd be an automaton, and truthfully very miserable. Because even when I was TBM, I was still a rebel, and I was still a somewhat of a feminist, and there were still aspects of Mormon Doctrine that didn't sit well with me.

I had a moment where I could clearly see my life if I choose the Molly Mormon route. And I knew that wasn't what I wanted. I decided I would rather take a "lesser glory" and still be with my dear husband, than shoot for the Celestial Kingdom, and be a lone or a second wife, and be stuck in eternity with a bunch of people I really didn't like.

Quite often, when I have a relapse, religion is typically part of the issue. Growing up Mormon, in a strict religious/military household means having a lot of guilt placed on you. (Don't get me wrong, I love my parents dearly, and my father is a REALLY cool guy, now that he's retired.) So when I get down, a lot of that strict Mormon upbringing comes back to the surface. And I'd feel guilty for my life choices. That type of relapse happens less often, now that we are married.

The other issue that usually brings on a relaspe is usually work/career related. I was the smart kid in high school. But it was all about getting into BYU, not about getting a job after college. The sad thing is, the main reason I wanted to go to BYU was to get hitched. I graduated with a worthless BA (not family science, but almost as bad), and failed to get my MRS. Working as an Administrative Assistant while having a degree is very depressing.

And the truth is, I do blame the LDS Church partly for this. There is so much pressure at Church to get married and have children. At the ripe age of 25, I was beginning to feel like a freak/fluke/failure at Church in Relief Society. There was so much pressure to get married in the temple to a worthy Priesthood holder who served a mission. Who needs a career? My job will be to stay at home and make babies and teach my children and keep house. The possibility of a career and having to earn a living didn't even cross my mind until my last semester of college. Opps.

So now, as I approach 30, I'm contemplating the whole career thing, trying to figure out what to do with my life. And that sure can get depressing. What does it mean when you want a 5-10 year redo?

But I have my husband, and he is awesome. And he means the world to me. And I wouldn't trade him for anything. Besides, I'd rather rescue myself.

Church my Freshman year

At one point in my life, I was pretty happy as a TBM -- My freshman year at BYU. I'm not exactly sure why that year was better than my other 2.5 years there. Maybe it was the novelty of being away from home. Maybe it was that my GEs were easier for me than my major classes.
I really think it was my Freshman ward though. It was a great group of people. There were a few couples within the ward, but most of us were just a large group of friends having fun and enjoying college.

One thing that was special to me that year was taking the Sacrament.
Sacrament meetings were quiet, since it was a singles ward. There weren't children running around, or crying, causing distractions. This gave me an opportunity to think more about what the Sacrament was, as well as the Atonement.
It was also the first time I noticed people not taking the Sacrament, and it made me sad to see some of my friends not participating in this part of the meeting. This also led to further contemplation of that act.

I thought about this today, because there is an interesting thread at New Order Mormons that discusses forcing children to be reverent, and it made me start thinking about the effects of reverence in meetings. I remembered how much more I enjoyed Sacrament meetings that year because of the reverence. But I also missed the vitality and children in a "family ward."
I find it strange that I didn't get the same feelings out of Sacrament meeting my other years at BYU. Maybe I was tired of the bubble by then, or maybe church seemed too much like a meat market at that point. I could never get into the RM/Off Campus wards like I was into my safe Freshman ward.

I liked my Freshman ward because there was very little pressure. We were off at school, away from home for the first time. Most of the people in the ward were at the same point in life. Even though we had classes to study for, life was carefree. We went out a lot as friends, and there was no pressure to be in a relationship or get married. The guys were headed off towards their missions, which was unthreatening to those of us that knew we weren't ready for marriage.
After that year, I was in off-campus wards, around RMs. I felt the pressure of dating for marriage, and I knew it wasn't something I was ready for. But by the time I graduated, I felt like something was wrong with me: I was still single; I didn't have a boyfriend my entire time at college; I hadn't even been kissed for over 3 years.

I'm not completely sure what my point is, in all of this. Its an experience I want to share. I guess what it boils down to, is that the LDS church pressures to conform. Whether its the primary children being forced into "reverence" or its the young single adults being forced to confirm to marriage.

And for a brief one year period, there was less pressure to conform. We were naturally reverent and happily single.

Driving through a school zone

Every morning on my way to work, I drive through three different school zones, while children are headed to school. Two of them are on less busy roads, but one is on a main road to the downtown area.
A few weeks ago, I saw students holding up signs reminding drivers to slow down on that main road. Since then, I've been a lot more conscious of my speed, however I'm still not driving the slow enough.
Recently, while I drove through that school zone, I thought about why I drive as fast as I do through that area.

Peer pressure. I feel guilty because I know I'm upsetting other people.

I usually drive 34 in a 30, on my way to work. It's roughly the same speed as traffic. Most cars don't slow down for that school zone; they zip on through at 34, when the speed limit is actually 20. I drop my speed down to 28, and notice that I'm starting to hold up traffic as the gap between my car and the car in front of me widens relatively quickly. I start to feel bad as I realize I'm holding up traffic.

This made me think about other areas in my life where I do the wrong thing because of guilt.
I have an online role-playing game addiction. There are weeks where I play that game for about 40 hours. Fortunately, there's also weeks where I'll play a couple hours. I'm in a army and play regularly with about 50 other people. With the help of these other people, I've gotten some pretty nice gear for my character.
Lately, I've been enjoying the game less. This is a good thing, since it helps me spend time doing other things, instead of wasting time on a computer game that doesn't matter. I think, maybe I should stop playing so much and drop out of my army. And then I start to feel guilty because I'd be letting down the 50 people that have been helping me in the game. I realize I haven't helped them nearly as much as they've helped me, and I need to even out that score before I quit playing. But then, I get another item and I owe them again, and I feel guilty and keep playing.

Peer pressure can have so many different meanings. Growing up, peer pressure seemed to be about approval and the coolness factor. Now, I feel peer pressure from trying not to upset or hurt other people.